Let’s get one thing out of the way. I don’t think we are going to discover the answer to our question. I want to write. Maybe we’ll get our solution on the way.
I am an introvert. For me, that means most of the time I am inside my head thinking about what I should do. Or, drifting away in the intergalactic space wondering, do we have to leave the Earth someday? You must be thinking I am such a waste of time, cursing me, saying get up and hustle, life is to short to worry about anything but present. Believe me, when I am saying, I’ve been telling the same thing to myself. Still, I end up only thinking about maintaining a daily journal while never writing a single line.
I wonder why I am wired like this, I mean, you know packing your bag before the travel day would help you in not forgetting something, right? Then why do I always end up packing an hour before my train? Why is knowing something is right for you isn’t enough? Why my actions don’t speak what I think? Is this how it is supposed to be?
I always feel there’s this voice in my head, trying to tell me what’s right for me, but I don’t listen. It is exactly like in the old cartoons, where our protagonist is having an imaginary conversation with an angel and a demon. Angel is advising to do what is right. And the devil is telling to follow the darkest thing coming to the mind. The only difference is the angel consistently possesses my thoughts and the actions, they don’t exist.
I never had to argue with my parents for essential decisions in my life. Their way of parenting is more like, “make your own mistakes, and try not to repeat them”. So, unlike most of my friends, all the critical decisions of my life have been taken by me only. For example: resigning from Accenture to join a small company without asking for any raise. I was so excited to work on the Machine Learning project. I didn’t care about the salary. Now, I realize I should have asked for the raise, only because I could. I got into machine learning, and now I have so many ideas to develop and post on my blog to make some online presence. But, most of these ideas stayed where they originated, never made it to a post or a Github repo. Why man? You act like you are passionate about this, but your action says something else. They say you are a lazy, dumb ass procrastinator who is so comfortable on his chair that he wouldn’t even take a bath if he was left alone in the room for days.
Whenever I watch any Netflix series, I can not stop myself from clicking Next Episode. I end up watching multiple seasons in one seating. It doesn’t matter if I have a job tomorrow or sleep to compromise. I know this isn’t good for me, but still, I do it. Why is it so hard to have some control? I had this freelance gig about building a website. I got everything figured out, from front end to back end. I estimated 2 or 3 days to complete all the tasks. In reality, it took me more than a month. How can you be so off from your estimation? I remember waking up thinking I am going to complete this project today. Instead, I ended up spending 5 6 hours on YouTube. Most of the days, the planned part of the day never got executed. I knew, completing this as fast as I can is very important, but still, I did not do it.
I want to help older people, people with physical disabilities, a poor child with his education, Earth’s environment with plastic, my parents with their foreign tour, and so much more. But, all I ever do is wondering. Nothing more than that. I guess wanting and doing it, is altogether a completely different game.